Chandler: "What is this in my pocket? Oh, it's Joey's porno movie!"
Ross: "Pop it in!"
Joeyto Chandler: "I'm fine with it...I mean, if you're OK watching a movie full of two-nippled people."

Joey: "Haven't you ever been beaten up before?"
Ross: "Yeah!"
Joey: "By someone besides Monica?"

Joeyto Ross: "You like this girl, don't you? You wanna see her again? So if you can't talk dirty to me, how can you talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!"

Joey: "Oh, Rach. I think you look cute. And Ross...you I could eat with a spoon!"

Joey: "I fold like a cheap hooker who got punched in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face."

Joey: "Let me get this straight: He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking that this is a great idea?"
Phoebe: "Uh-huh."
Joey: "This man is my god!"

Joey: I think the threshold's clear now."

Joey: "Yeah I know exactly what she's goin' through."
Monica: "How do you know exactly what she's going through?"
Joey: "She told us."

Joey: "She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be part of it!"

Rachelregarding Ross: "Does he want to go out with me?"
Joey: "Given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something."

Joey: "Monica, pigeons learn faster than you do."

Joey's date: "You know ever since I was little I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes."
Joey: "Yeah? Good for you.... Uh, quarters, or rolls of quarters?"

Ross: "What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to the hospital."
Joey: "We'll watch him."
Ross: "I don't think th..."
Joey: "What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids."

Monica: "Hey, have you guys eaten? Because, uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers...chicken and potatoes...What am I wearing? Actually, nothing but rubber gloves."
Joey: "Ya know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over."

Rachel: "Oh, and on page 2, he's not reaching for her 'heaving beasts.'"
Monica: "What's a 'niffle?'"
Joey: "You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts.'"

Chandler: "Is she good looking?"
Joey: "Yeah, she's totally good looking, I mean if I met her in a bar or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. . . you know after having slept with her."

Ross: "And then I kissed her."
Joey: "Tongue?"
Ross: "Yeah."
Joey: "Cool."

Joey: "Wait, wait, wait... you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt is blocking me... There I am... There I am... There I am... There I am..."

Rachel: "I have, I have a date."
Monica: "What?!?"
Joey: "With a man?"

Joey: "She's just too much for me in bed...(pause)....sexually."

Ross: "Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight."
Joey: "Oh no! How can she do that, when she's never shown any interest in you?!?"

Joey: "What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?"

Joeyto Chandler after Rachel tells about her dream: "Nice dream score!"

Ross: "You cook naked?"
Joey: "Well, salads and stuff. Nothing that splatters."

Joey: "That's it, rub your head, that will make time go backwards."

Joey: "Chips! Dip! Pretz..."

Joey: "I kinda got the feeling that she was sort of coming on to me, and I definitely would get the part if I would have, you know. . . if I would have sent the little general in."

Phoebe: "Oooh! Oooh! You got the bigger half! What did you wish for?"
Joey: "The bigger half."

Ross: "She's my ex-wife. If, if she were marrying a guy, none of you would expect me to be there."
Joey: "Hey, if she were marrying a guy she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever."

Monica: "I'm just excited about being an aunt!"
Joey: "Or an uncle!"

Rossreferring to Rachel's resumes: "Rachel, did you proofread these first?"
Rachel: "Yeah, why?"
Ross: "Oh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent 'compuper' skills."
Rachel: "Oh, my God! Do you think it's on all of them?"
Joey: "Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few."

Joey: "You meant sex, right?"

Casting Director: "OK, listen, thanks for coming in."
Joey: "No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, at least let me finish. [reads] 'Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge'. You were goin' for the word bridge there weren't ya? I'll have a good day."

Joey: "Shoot! Shoot! Or, you could just fall down."

Joeyto Chandler: "Come on man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinking 'Cha-Ching'!"

Joey: "You mean that he made you beg to have sex, and he didn't have to call you in the morning?"
Phoebe: "Yeah..."
Joey: "This man is my GOD!"

Ross: "Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?"
Joey: "Probably kill myself."
Ross: "What?"
Joey: "Hey, if little Joey's dead, I've got no reason to live."
Ross: "No Joey, omnipotent."
Joey: "Ross? You are? Oh, I'm sorry!"

Ross: "We don't need to tell Chandler. I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss. No big deal, right?"
Joey: "Right, it's no big deal...in a bizarro world!"

Joey: "Hey look...I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic."
Ross: "Toilet paper?"
Joey: "Yeah."

Monica: "Hey. Where is he? Where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: "Yeah. Right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you? He's parking the car!"

Joey: "Waiter, two chocolate mousses, to go."

Joey: "Hi! I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio."
Auditioner: "What's your name?
Joey: "Holden McGroin"

Ross: "I, I don't know. It's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it, but she's, she's pretty upset about it."
Joey: "See. This is why I don't date women who read!"

Ross: "We cuddled..."
Joey: "Ooooh! How many times?"

Joey: "Push. Push. Push 'em out. Shove 'em out. Way out!"

Joeyto the casting director: "And, and just so you know. If you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting."

Monica: "Joey, have you ever thought of being there for her?"
Joey: "What do you mean?"
Monica: "You know...be there for her."
Joeyshaking his head: "I'm still not following ya, Mon."

Ross: "What? Whoa! Whoa! $3500 at Porcelain Safari?"
Joey: "My animals. Hey, the guy said they suited me. He spoke with an accent...I was all confused."

Ross: "Are your hands still wet?"
Joey: "They're moist..."

Rossin reference to Marcel: "He's reached sexual maturity."
Joeyto Chandler: "Hey! He beat 'ya!"

Ross: "I'm not in the [friend] zone."
Joey: "You're mayorof the zone."

Joey: "Phoebe is Phoebe but Ursula is hot"

Joey: "Uhh... I'll just go pee in the street."

Ross: "What, what's that?"
Joey: "It's my Visa bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be good."